The Small Family     

Well, this week we’re all pooped in the Small household. Chris and I are pooped from working until 1 or 2am every night this week (BLAH!). And Theo…well, he isn’t actually pooped like we are, but he has pooped--in the potty! Twice, in fact. Three times if you count his first attempt, when some miraculously landed in the potty as he was climbing said potty to investigate what was on the sink. (We were having some potty time when he got bored and decided to climb. And promptly pooped. Everywhere. By some incredible twist of fate, a small piece landed in the potty, so I was able to tell him what a big boy he was for pooping in the potty!)

So let me go back a bit. At the start of this year, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to get Theo potty trained by the end of the year. It seemed reasonable--he’ll be almost three by the end of the year. But, knowing Theo as we do, we knew this would have to begin to take place on his own time. Theo isn’t an overly cooperative fellow if we want him to do something…but if he wants to do it, then he’s one determined monkey. So about six months ago, we bought two potties and put one upstairs and one downstairs. He went to the bathroom on them immediately--and then promptly freaked out and decided they were evil. No problem; we were told by several people to just leave them out where he could see them and answer his questions about them if he seemed interested. So we did. And he paid them no mind for six months, other than to occasionally use them to climb to reach things.

Recently, Chris brought home a book entitled Potty Time with Elmo. It has fun buttons to push that make potty-related sounds. And it has Elmo, whom Theo adores. So lately, he’s been obsessed with this book. And, coincidentally, sitting on the potty fully clothed without any prompting. Okay--strike while the iron is hot! We’ve started sitting him on the potty after meals, when we know he’s likely to have to go. And so far, we’re having a lot of luck. He sits happily with us reading with him and occasionally singing or playing games, and occasionally he relaxes enough to actually go. The first several times it kind of freaked him out, but we just made a big deal out of congratulating his success and all that good stuff, and that calmed him down. And yesterday morning, he actually clapped and said, “Yay!!” while pooping, so I know he’s getting the idea that he gets positive attention for going in there. Wahoo!

I’m not deluding myself that this will be a quick, easy process. I know a lot of people who have had their children nearly trained by roughly Theo’s age…only to have the child revert to going potty in their pants and not fully train for another year or so. I know my sister’s kids ranged from age 22 months to age 4 years and 3 months by the time they trained. (She has four of them, so she’s an old pro at this.) I know people who’ve had one child train early and another train really late. So I know this is a long, slow process. But we are super, super proud of how well Theo is doing so far! And, as we tell him, Elmo is proud, too. Because I think Elmo’s word actually means more to him than ours does. ;-)

Okay, enough about potties. Sorry if that’s too much info for anyone¾I’m just really excited by this! But I shall move on now…

We’re at a really interesting age with Theo. First, he is learning new things every day, and it’s absolutely fascinating and astounding to us first-time parents. He’s been counting from 2 to 13 for a few weeks now, but we recently realized that he actually recognizes many of the numbers. We’ll be out somewhere with him, and he’ll point them out and identify them. He’s also just started identifying colors. And some letters as well.

But another interesting part of this two-year-old age is personality/temperament. We all have good days and bad days, right? And I guess I always sort of thought that was a product of how external events were affecting us on any given day. I have to deal with a crabby author, so I have a bad day. I get hired for a new book project, so I have a good day. But with Theo, every day is much the same. We have a relatively set routine we follow, and though some things about each day change, his days are really pretty predictable, for the most part. So my assumption would be that unless he’s not feeling well, most days would be decent. Not so, I’m learning. Nope, our two-year-old seems to be like any adult in that he has good days and bad days. The difference is, he can’t tell us why. But some days, he just wakes up crabby and defiant, and he stays that way all day. (And those days, we live for bedtime!) And other days, he wakes up happy and sweet and loving, and he stays that way all day. Naturally, we love those days.

It just sort of boggles my mind that one day we can have this sweet, angelic little cherub, and the very next day the Tiny Tyrant (as I have dubbed him) emerges. We had several of each type of day this week. The week started out on a sore note, when I took Theo to Sam’s Club after a nice morning at Little Gym, and he was an absolute holy terror. He started screaming the minute we walked in the store, and he didn’t stop until we left 20 minutes later. (Why was he screaming, you ask? He saw a playground set and wanted to go see it RIGHT NOW, and I didn’t take him over right away. Actually, once the screaming started, I didn’t take him at all. Not rewarding that kind of behavior, thankyouverymuch!) And I tried everything: talking to him calmly, acknowledging his frustration. No dice. Ignoring him. No dice. Getting extremely stern with him. No dice. He just kept throwing the mother of all tantrums. And I was the mother who everyone stared at, with a look of “Why doesn’t she control her child?” on their faces. I never wanted to be that mother, and there I was. Sigh…

But I didn’t leave. Why? Because that’s what Theo wanted. When I didn’t take him to see the playground set, he wanted to leave. (He kept screaming, “Bye! Bye!” which he does if he wants to leave.) And if I left, I would’ve been rewarding that awful behavior, which I wasn’t about to do. (I tried the “leave for a few minutes and then go back when he’s calm” tactic a few days before, at a consignment sale, and it failed miserably. He started shrieking like a banshee again the moment we walked back in the door.) So I did my shopping, mortified to be “that mother,” paid the bill, and left. And really wanted to take him home, put him in his room, and shut the door for a half an hour while I sat on the couch and gorged on chocolates.

But obviously, I couldn’t do that. I had to calm my temper and continue on with the day as normal. And I did. It was a long day. There were many timeouts. I was glad when bedtime rolled around.

But then we were rewarded with several good days this week, where Theo was sweet and well-mannered and generally an absolute pleasure to be around. And I no longer wanted to sit and stuff a half-pound box of See’s Candies in my mouth.

Motherhood, I’ve discovered, is by far the hardest job I’ll ever do. Editing heavy technical books? Easy. Motherhood? Not so easy. But far more rewarding…even if exhausting.

I have a good friend from graduate school who has a very sweet, mild-mannered 2-1/2-year-old. Like us, my friend maintains a blog about her family. This week, she was musing about one of her first lessons as a mother, which was setting boundaries with newly mobile five-month-old Lizzie. Apparently, Lizzie wanted to touch her mama’s books on the bookshelves, and my friend didn’t want her to. So she told Lizzie no and redirected her to her own books every time, in order to set boundaries. This, she said, took two very tiring days, but after that, Lizzie respected the boundaries and has respected them ever since.

When I read this, I actually burst out laughing, in a “What must THAT world be like?” kind of way. Because I remember a similar situation with eight-month-old Theo, who was crawling and pulling up. He very much wanted to turn the knobs on our gas stove, and he would go over to the stove multiple times every day, pull up, and turn the knobs. Every time, without fail, we would take him away from the stove, tell him no, and try to redirect his attention to something else. We could move him all the way to the other end of the living room, and he would let out an angry squall, crawl right back to the stove, and go for the knobs again. This went on for SIX MONTHS! Every single day we corrected him and redirected him, and every single day he tried it again. FOR SIX MONTHS! Finally, he stopped bothering them for the most part (though he still tries at least a few times a week).

It was the same with our mini-blinds. We immediately enforced a “no touching the blinds” rule because we didn’t want him to break them. (They’re not cheap to replace, after all!) And it took months and months and months…and he still tries to mess with them from time to time.

And hitting. I’ve mentioned on this blog a few times that hitting is a problem. And so, for NINE MONTHS we have been working with him on not hitting. If he hits, he gets a timeout. We tell him in simple language he can understand, “No hit! Hurt mommy!” or “Hurt daddy! No hit!” and then he gets a timeout. And to get off timeout when the time is up, he has to say he’s sorry and give us a hug (which he does). And still, nine months later, he hits. Some days he doesn’t¾sometimes he’ll even go several days with no timeouts. But then some days, he’ll get six or seven timeouts for hitting.

And so, I have come to the conclusion (as if I didn’t know already!) that we have one extremely strong-willed child in Theo. I think my friend’s daughter, Lizzie, is probably exceptionally easygoing, if two days is all it took to teach her not to touch the books. But it seems to me that Theo is on the other end of the spectrum. They say consistency is key with children, and I firmly believe that. But my god, Chris and I are nothing if not consistent on setting certain boundaries and enforcing punishment for negative behavior, and Theo is still determined to push the limits. Sigh…I got a glimpse into another world when my friend posted her blog about teaching her daughter boundaries. What must that world be like?!

Truth is, I wouldn’t change Theo for anything. Because I swear that strong will is going to make him an incredible adult someday. Chris says he’ll be a “leader of men,” and I don’t doubt it. (We just hope he’ll be a benevolent leader of men!) But wow, does it make for some exhausting child-rearing. My sister has four kids, and she says none of them was nearly as strong-willed as Theo. My mom raised three kids, and she says Theo is by far more stubborn than any of us (and heck, she raised my brother, who was a real hellion, I’m told!). Chris’s mom says Theo is a lot like Chris as a toddler--very much a perfectionist. I think she may have a very valid point there. I didn’t know Chris as a toddler (obviously!), but Theo is certainly a perfectionist. I really think that’s where his hitting is based, to be honest. He doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. On the contrary, he’s incredibly gentle and kind and good at sharing. But when something doesn’t go exactly as he wants it to, right when he wants it, he lashes out and hits.

If that’s the case, maybe all of my and Chris’s consistency and patience are sort of a moot point. I mean, obviously we have to continue being consistent and firm and patient with him, as we have been, but maybe it’s more a matter of him maturing enough to learn how to deal with situations when they don’t go exactly as he thinks they should. Maybe then his quick temper will settle down.

On the plus side, as I mentioned, Chris’s mom says Theo reminds her a lot of Chris as a child. And obviously, Chris grew up to be the most kind, gentle, upstanding person I’ve ever met. So if Theo grows up even half as well as his daddy did…well, then, I’ll be an extremely proud mama!

I did, however, tell my Mom in a fit of exasperation after the Sam’s Club incident that if Theo ever asks, “Why don’t I have a little brother or sister?” I’m going to say, “Ya wore me out, kiddo! I’ve got nothin’ left!” ;-)

Okay, enough stream-of-consciousness rambling. I’ve just been thinking a lot about Theo’s personality lately, since he was rather mercurial in temperament this week. But let’s talk about fun things. Saturday! After working late all week, Chris and I needed a break on Saturday, so we headed over to Napa for lunch. We had intended to go to San Jose to a party for a new baby (Caleb--son of Chris’s friend Jason and his wife Maria), but we were so exhausted from our late nights that we couldn’t face a five-hour round-trip drive in one day. Napa, however, is an easy hour and 15 minutes from us, so that seemed manageable. And indeed, we had a great time. The weather was fantastic, and although Theo had started out the morning with multiple timeouts, he took a short nap in the car on the way over and was in much better spirits when he awoke. We had a ridiculously overpriced, somewhat disappointing lunch, but we followed it up with delicious cupcakes that made everything better! (We went to the Oxbow Market, as usual, but we tried a new place this time. We had heard they have the best oysters around. And indeed they were good, but not good enough to warrant the crazy prices. My $14 bowl of “oyster stew” was not a hearty stew, but a bowl of heavy cream with four oysters in it. Four very good oysters, granted, but still…not $14 good! Next time we’ll go back to our usual Peruvian haunt.) Theo was such a good boy at lunch that we rewarded him with a trip to Playground Fantastico, a nifty community playground in Napa. He was in hog heaven! They have lots of fun wooden structures to climb on, bars to hang from (his favorite activity of late), swings, a HUGE sandbox with a “river” running through it, etc. Theo, of course, got wet and filthy in the sandbox, but he loved every minute of it. We had to cut his fun short, though, when he kept eating sand. He’s in a “put everything in my mouth” phase these days¾we’ll be glad when that phase passes!

When we got home, Chris had to work, so I took Theo into the backyard to help with yardwork, and we had a ball. The kiddo is such an outdoors guy¾we were out there for at least 90 minutes, and he was still upset when Chris came out to take him upstairs for a bath! But our yard got some much-needed TLC. While Theo collected various items and attempted to climb the fence to spy on our new neighbors’ party, I trimmed back our rose bush and another overgrown plant we have, pulled out a couple dead ones, edged the lawn, cleaned up after Luna, and mowed after Chris took Theo inside. It looks so much better out there now!

Sunday started out as another one of the not-so-fun days. I believe Theo had earned five timeouts before 9 a.m. Clearly, we needed a change of scenery. And it was a beautiful day, so we decided to drive up to South Yuba River State Park, which has a lot of wildflowers right now, as well as the beautiful Yuba River. So Theo got to take his first “hike,” which was actually more just a walk, though he did admirably at walking up a steep dirt path. And Theo really enjoyed it--for the first part of the hike, he kept saying, “Whoa, wow!” and pointing out butterflies and flowers (especially pink and purple ones--he just learned how to say those colors) and bushes. (I told him we should’ve had Uncle David [Emory--one of his Theo’s THREE Uncle Davids!] with us to tell us what some of these things were!) For the latter part of the hike, he was kind of sleepy, so he wanted us to carry him a lot. But that was actually a good thing, as there were some steep drops off the side of the path that made both of us nervous. After a short hike, we headed down to the river, where there was a small sandbar area where Theo could toddle around. He loved it! The river was cold, but it was very warm out, so the cold water felt good. After cautiously dipping his foot in a couple times, Theo was very happy to stand ankle-deep in the chilly water and splash and play with sand. He kept pointing and wanting to go out farther (what a shock, Mr. Water Fanatic!), but he was very good about staying right at the edge and holding my hand when I told him he had to. This bodes well for our trip to the beach in June. (We’re renting a beachfront house in Newport, Oregon, for a weekend with Auntie Lisa and Uncle Chris.) Newport can be quite chilly, but if the weather is decent, I think Theo’s going to have a LOT of fun playing on the beach with Ava (Lisa and Chris’s golden retriever, whom Theo is quite fond of).

I told Chris that if we could just let Theo roam outside all day, every day, he would be the happiest, most easygoing child on the planet. I swear that kid is going to grow up to be a park ranger or something. He is just in heaven when he’s outside playing and exploring. It’s too bad that this coming week promises lots of rain, so we’ll be stuck inside a lot. Ah well…

Next week, be prepared for lots of pictures of Nola, our new arrival! She’s being spayed Tuesday and is supposed to come home to live with us on Saturday, assuming she’s healed enough. Can’t wait for her to join our family!