The Small Family     

Happy December, all! We’ve had a really fun weekend, and I have lots of pictures to share…but we also had a heavy week. So I will talk about the fun stuff first, and then I’ll move on to the heavy stuff…and you can choose whether or not you wish to read on….

So, for the fun: Theo was a real prince this weekend--very happy and cheery--so we had a wonderful two days. On Saturday, we went to the Lindsay Wildlife Museum (one of our freebies--and now conveniently just 15 minutes from our house!) and played in the park and looked at the animals. Then we had lunch (Mediterranean food--yum!), stopped at Costco to pick up our Christmas cards (planning to mail them next weekend, after I get our Christmas letter done--but I’m really happy with the cards!), and did a tiny bit of Christmas shopping for Theo.

And let me take a break for a moment to tell you an amusing Theo bit: He’s always been an oddly unmaterialistic child, for which I’m very grateful. Theo has plenty of tantrums, but they’ve never been of the “I want that toy!” variety--more things he wants to do, not things he wants to have. So when it comes time to buy him gifts, I’m never really sure what he wants, since he really isn’t materially motivated (yet, anyway). And this year is no different--I just figured maybe we’d buy him some music- and cooking-related things, since those are his main interests lately. Anyway, I left a Lakeshore Learning catalog on the table, and Theo was flipping through it while he ate lunch one day. And lo and behold, he made his first ever gift request--for just one item in the catalog. He flipped through the entire catalog with little interest…until he came to the music page. And saw a children’s karaoke player, which I had actually already been considering for him. He pointed to it and exclaimed, “Mama! I want that! We need to ask Santa Claus to bring that!!” And he has pointed it out to me several more times since. Never any other toy--but always that. He he he, good thing I had already planned to get it for him. :-)

I also picked him up a small doctor’s kit, as he’s pretty interested in doctors lately. This is kind of funny, as he hasn’t been to the doctor since his three-year appointment back in April, I think. (Oh, except for a flu shot--and a quick check for a weird virus he had in May or June.) But lately, whenever he makes phone calls (on his pretend phone), it’s to Dr. G (his former pediatrician). And Chris took him to the drugstore the other day to pick up a few things and mentioned that maybe he might get Theo a small treat (a candy cane or something). Theo immediately proclaimed, “Maybe Daddy will buy you [me] an otoscope!” Um…what 3 ½-year-old knows what an otoscope is, much less wants to get one at the local CVS?! That’s my boy….

But back to our weekend: Saturday night was downtown Clayton’s annual tree-lighting ceremony, so we walked downtown to enjoy some caroling and the big tree lighting, by Santa Claus. Theo had a great time and insisted that the Diablo Valley Elementary School choir was actually singing “Alvin and the Chipmunks songs!” Ha ha, I can see which Christmas album is his favorite…. He was also pretty excited to see Santa lighting up the tree.

Sunday was a gorgeous day--the winds we had this week calmed down, and the entire valley was clear and gorgeous. So, we went to the UC Berkeley Arboretum (another freebie--yay!) and walked around for a couple of hours. Theo was in seventh heaven. He insisted on bringing his purse along (full of blocks and a cell phone--because of course you need these things in the arboretum), and it was hilarious to see him literally running along the paths, clutching his purse, and stopping every so often to say, “Oh, hello plant!” or “Excuse me, plant!” or to redistribute some fallen leaves. At one point, he finally plopped down on some steps and announced seriously, “I need to make some calls now.” Out came the cell phone, and he called Dr. G (who else?) and then some plants. And then he was off and running again. We had a great time--the weather was gorgeous, the arboretum was nearly deserted, and Theo had a ball. (I must comment that they were setting up for a wedding later in the day--for a couple with the last name of Weed. I’m pretty sure you have to get married in an arboretum if your name is Weed!)

We stopped at a Mexican restaurant in Berkeley for lunch, then headed home. All in all, a fabulous day…and free except for lunch! Gotta love it…

And before I move on to the heavy stuff, one more Theo story and then a Garbanzo update. First the Theo story: Recently, he’s decided it’s about time for him to get a job. So he keeps talking about his job. Most often, he “goes to the office and looks at pictures of medicine” (which is what he’s pretty sure Chris does). But one day, I went in to get him from his nap, and I said, “Hey buddy--how did you sleep?” He looked at me in his serious way and announced, “I have to go to work.” I said, “Oh, okay. Where do you work?” He replied, “The mall.” I said, “What do you do at the mall?” He answered, “Feo put broccoli in the bowls at the mall.” So as far as I can tell, he’s aspiring to a career at Panda Express, serving up broccoli beef to the masses. Not a bad first job, my friend--Mommy and Daddy both started out in food-service industries, too!

And now, Garbanzo: At 29 weeks along, he is about 17 inches tall and nearly 3 pounds. He cracks me up--I think I’m growing a little foodie in there! Literally the minute I start eating, he starts kicking up a storm. And most days I get up at 5am and eat a bowl of cereal while I start my workday. But on the weekends, I can sleep in. Sort of--guess who wakes me up at 5am, kicking away? I think he’s saying, “Mom--this is when we eat! Go get me some cereal!” It makes me laugh… Next weekend is our 3D ultrasound, and I can’t wait to peek at the little kicker.

So now we move on to the more serious part of the week. Read on if you wish--or don’t if you prefer to just read about our fun adventures. Consider yourself warned. ;-)

When I dropped Theo at preschool Monday morning, the director (Krista) asked whether we could schedule a conference for an evening later in the week, to discuss “how to meet Theo’s needs.” And so we did. I met with Krista and one of the three other teachers (Jennifer) while Chris kept Theo home and listened in on the phone.

It seems Theo is having a rough adjustment to his new preschool. My first concern was that they were going to say it wasn’t a good fit, and we’d have to find him someplace else to go. But no--that wasn’t it at all. Rather, they’re worried about him, and they wanted to talk to us and open the lines of communication about their concerns and how we can all work together to solve them.

First of all, it’s their opinion that transitioning from a school with 15 kids to a school with 30 kids has been very tough for Theo, and they think he’s overwhelmed. So, we’re scaling back from five days a week to three. And this is fine with me--to be honest, I was leery of five days a week at the beginning anyway, just because I’m used to having some full days with him at home with me, and I enjoy them. But, five days a week is the norm for Montessori schools around here, so I went with it. They’re hoping that having him attend only Monday/Wednesday/Friday will give him a break on Tuesday/Thursday and help him better cope with the sheer number of kids there. Also, he’s requiring a lot of one-on-one attention from the teachers because he’s not settling in too easily, and that leaves only two teachers at a time to handle the other 29 kids in the class--which is obviously not fair to those other kids, who need a better student-to-teacher ratio than that. And Chris and I totally understand that and agree with them--all the kids are their priority, not just Theo. So on Tuesday/Thursday, not only will Theo get a break, but the teachers will be able to devote their full attention to the other 29 students in the class.

Krista also suggested we get him some music lessons on one of his days off. She, too, has noticed how attracted he is to music, and she feels it could be a grounding thing for him. He enjoys it, and it soothes him, so why not nurture that and start him on some one-on-one lessons? She thinks music is a real positive for Theo, and she’s asked the school’s music teacher (who comes once a week) for some teacher recommendations for us.

I have to say, I am really impressed by how much the teachers/director are willing to do on their end to help Theo ease into this. I mean, I could surely understand if they said, “We’re sorry, but we have a lot of students we need to attend to--we just can’t handle one who requires as much individual attention as Theo right now.” I’d be disappointed and feel terrible, of course, but I would understand. But no--they seem quite willing to make some concessions on their end to help Theo become a part of the program.

So here’s the beginning of my soapbox: They suggested that we have him evaluated by his pediatrician, as he “falls outside of the normal range for a three-year-old.” I asked what they meant by that, as something has been on Chris’s and my mind for some time, but I didn’t want to put ideas in their head by saying it. The answer? Possibly Asperger’s syndrome. Obviously, they aren’t qualified to diagnose him in any way, but they said that if they had to hazard a guess, they think it’s possible.

And yes, Chris and I have considered this. Probably more than anyone knows, really. I think the perception has been that we’re living in a blissful bubble where we don’t notice that Theo has some personality traits that aren’t quite “normal” for his age. (I put “normal” in quotes because, really, what’s considered normal for a kid? All children are unique and develop differently, so there is no absolute “normal”--but you get the idea. Theo has some quirks that cause one to stop and think….) This couldn’t be further from the truth. He is our son--of course we have noticed the things he struggles with. We’ve just chosen not to address them until now because a lot of these things could be related to any number of factors: his age, his gender, the fact that all kids develop at different rates, that he is perhaps gifted…or, yes, that he has Asperger’s. Our plan was to sit back and watch how things progressed. We figured that if there was a problem, his preschool teachers would let us know. After all, they see him several days a week, on a consistent basis, and see how he interacts with others in a social environment, not just how he is at home. Really, who better to assess him than someone who sees him in a consistent environment around others? Chris and I see him more than anyone, but aside from us, most people see him in small doses, in various situations--not consistently in a consistent environment, where you can really get an idea of his true personality. Put any kid in a different situation than he’s used to, and he’s going to act differently than he might on most other occasions, right? He might be cranky or wild or quieter than usual or…you get the idea. Hard to assess things when you’re seeing brief snapshots of a child, rather than a consistent picture.

And we didn’t bring up our concerns to his preschool teachers because we didn’t want to put ideas in their head. We figured it was better to let them come to us with their observations--which is exactly what has happened.

One of our biggest concerns was that we didn’t want him labeled. We both hate labels--they follow a person forever, it seems. We don’t want Theo to face that. And I expressed this to Jennifer and Krista, who quickly assured me that they, too, do not want to label him--rather, they said, the other children have already started labeling him as “different” or a “bad” kid because of his behavior. As Krista told me, “I’ve seen this happen before with kids, and it is not a good thing. I do not want to see his classmates paint him as an outcast just because he behaves in a manner that isn’t really appropriate for the classroom. Our goal is not to label him--it’s to keep the other kids from doing it.” Apparently the other kids are already starting to blame anything that goes wrong in the classroom on Theo, as they’ve witnessed him misbehaving and now just assume that it’s always his fault. (And hey, I suppose it might be at this point--but this is not something we want to happen. It’s heartbreaking, really. I had no idea kids so young would already start ostracizing their peers.)

So, as they explained, it is certainly our choice whether to have him evaluated, but they recommend it because if he does have Asperger’s, there are early interventions we can take advantage of to try to help him ease into a normal classroom/social environment so that he doesn’t face more problems later on. And as they both said, “If Theo does have Asperger’s, he’s extremely high-functioning.” They cited his language skills as superb (both expressive and receptive language) and said that he shows a desire to engage with others that is not common in kids with Asperger’s. They said these are huge plusses for him.

I commented that some of the Asperger’s traits he shows are also traits of gifted children, and they agreed and said, “Very true--that may be what’s going on here. And either way, this is not a bad thing by any means--he just thinks and processes differently from other kids, and we need to figure out how to help him deal with this.”

So, Chris and I talked, and yes…we have made an appointment with his pediatrician to have him evaluated. Because we can see where they’re coming from: He does show a lot of traits common to children with Asperger’s. Hopefully he doesn’t have it--but if he does, if there’s any way we can intervene early and help him, then we want to do it. Because he has huge, huge potential as a kind, loving, caring, smart person, and we don’t ever want to see that eclipsed by something that we can help.

I’m not going to list all the ways Theo fits the Asperger’s profile--I could tell you 20 ways that he fits the Asperger’s profile, and then I could tell you 20 more ways that he doesn’t fit it at all. There are some ways he’s textbook Asperger’s and other ways that he’s not at all Asperger’s. So at this point, let’s just assume that it’s a floating question--we really don’t know what’s going on. What we do know is that he’s having a hard time…and we’re helping him in whatever way we can.

But I will share a couple of thoughts that have made us decide to pursue an evaluation. I’ve been reading about Asperger’s, because, as I said, Chris and I have wondered about things for a while now, even though we haven’t made an issue of it. And from what I understand, early intervention is key because it helps the child learn how to cope with some of his differences in cognition and personality before they become really cemented as part of his personality. That is, the earlier kids with Asperger’s learn coping and functioning strategies, the better chance of success they have. And as Krista said, “Our goal is to set him up for success.” Indeed--ours too.

Second, Asperger’s is a continuum--a child can start at one point on it and improve continually (slowly or dramatically) with therapies. His preschool director/teacher already said he’s on the very, very high end if he has it (which is our suspicion, too), so it sounds to us as if he has a great chance at not having this be a real detriment to him in his life. So if he’s got such a great start at age 3 ½, then by all means we don’t want to stunt his emotional growth by ignoring the issue when there are things we might be able to do to help him continue to grow.

Here’s the bottom line for Chris and me: First, we want Theo to succeed in a happy life.  Second, we do not want him to always be known as “Theo, who has Asperger’s…” We’ve all seen how this can happen--a person becomes defined by something that should simply be seen as one small part of them. If Theo has Asperger’s, then he has Asperger’s--it’s not what he is, it’s something he has. A small something--along with a beautiful heart, a terrific sense of humor, a steel trap of a mind, and a million other wonderful traits.

So if he is diagnosed with this, we will be vigilant to make sure that his entire life doesn’t become focused on Asperger’s, treatment for Asperger’s, etc. No--instead, he will have a very normal life, in which treatment for Asperger’s is a small part. I honestly can’t imagine a life in which every interaction turns into a “let’s address and work on your Asperger’s” situation. How exhausting for the person--and a needless constant reminder about one small part of what makes that person tick.

Why am I so sure this is the right way to handle it--to have life be normal and wonderful, without a constant focus on something challenging? Because I speak from experience. I would be willing to bet that most of you don’t know that I have something that these days would probably be considered to be on the autism spectrum. I have something that is now called “sensory defensiveness” and is classified as being on the autism spectrum--though when it was diagnosed with me in the mid-1970s, it was just referred to as “extreme sensitivity to stimuli: light, motion, sound, touch, etc.” My parents had an EEG done, and apparently my brain waves were all within the normal range, but exactly opposite of where they should be--there were peaks where they should be valleys, and vice versa.

According to my Mom, the doctors told her and my dad that I would either outgrow it or end up in an institution because of it. And they, wisely, said, “She’ll outgrow it.” They took me home and lived life as normal--while quietly making slight adjustments that I knew nothing about. Crowds made me a shrieking mess, so they didn’t take me in crowds when they could avoid it--they very slowly, as I grew up, introduced me to more and more situations like that so I could become accustomed to them. The flashing lights as cars drove by on the road made me shriek in terror, so the doctor told them to put my car seat on the floor of the back seat of the car, where I wouldn’t see the flashing lights. Problem solved (though can you imagine that advice nowadays, when kids are in car seats practically until they’re 20? Ha!). I was sensitive to fluorescent lights overhead in stores, so again, they didn’t subject me to those if they could avoid it--and they introduced them slowly, as I got older.

You get the idea--they worked with me, but quietly, without fanfare. And I’m now an adult who doesn’t show the outward signs of problems that were pretty severe when I was young. (My Mom says Theo is far better off than I was at his age--she sees huge promise in him, even if he does struggle with similar types of issues to what I did.) I do still have some signs of it, but I’m no longer a shrieking mess about stimuli (obviously!). My main triggers now are certain frequencies of sound, certain types of touch, and crowds. So I stay out of crowds when possible, I avoid sound frequencies that bother me (Football games are one of them--that’s actually part of the reason why I hate football. Something about the cacophony of commentators, cheering fans, and repeated whistle-blowing gets me feeling very agitated), and I have schooled my poor, patient husband in how not to touch me if he doesn’t want me to jump out of my skin. (Chris wins Husband of the Decade award on so many levels--that being one of them. He is endlessly patient with my peculiarities in how and when I can be touched.)

The truth is, my parents didn’t even tell me I had this condition until I was about 20, as they were so determined not to label me. And I consider that the best thing they ever did for me. By the time they sat me down and told me about it, I already knew I was a capable, competent adult. Yes, I knew I hated certain sounds, certain types of touch, and crowds, but I also knew how to cope with those things and how to live a very happy, productive, normal life.

Now, if Theo turns out to have Asperger’s or something along those lines, the situation is a bit different. Because early-intervention strategies require working with specialists and such, obviously he’ll eventually figure out that there’s a reason why he’s doing that. But our goal is to be matter-of-fact about anything like this, rather than to make it a defining part of who he is: “Yep, you go see so-and-so on Tuesdays to help you learn how to read body language, since sometimes that’s hard for you.” Done. No need to make it a huge issue.

So that’s the story. I debated whether to blog about it at this point, given that he hasn’t been diagnosed yet, and it may turn out to be a moot point. He may just be really gifted. Or really stubborn. Or any one of a number of things! But I decided to blog about it because really, it’s a more global issue to me than just Theo: I have long hated seeing labels attached to people--I think they very often do a lot more harm than good. And I decided it was as good a time as any to climb up on my soapbox and talk about it.

So here is what we know: We have a wonderful son who is going to accomplish big things in his life. We don’t know what those are yet, but we know he will--he has far, far too much potential in so many ways not to be a truly fantastic adult. This amazing son of ours is the same awesome person he always was, regardless of what the doctors find.

And as long as we’re on the subject, here’s what else we know: Some of the greatest thinkers in the world are rumored to have had a touch of Asperger’s. Here’s a short list: Bill Gates, Isaac Newton, Jane Austen, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Michelangelo, Mozart, Beethoven, Thomas Edison, and Mark Twain. If our son does have Asperger’s, I’d say he’s in some pretty good company--wouldn’t you? :-)