The Small Family     

I had Theo’s preschool evaluation on his last day of school at Rocklin Montessori, but I have enough to report about it that I figured a separate blog post from the move was in order. (It so happens that parent conferences at Rocklin Montessori are next week, so we missed them by just one week--and they had already started preparing a write-up for Theo, so Dorothy just went ahead and did a mini-conference with me on Theo’s last day. She also thought I might want a written evaluation to provide to his new preschool, so they'll know where he’s starting at.)

I debated for a few days about whether I should write up his evaluation on the blog, because it’s hard to convey a long conversation in a few short paragraphs. But it’s been on my mind a lot, so I finally decided I’d take a stab at it.

I left the evaluation with very mixed emotions--that is, a soaring heart and an aching heart. My heart soared because of how obvious it was that the teachers in Rocklin just truly love Theo--and how wonderfully open-minded and accepting they were. (Dorothy actually cried a bit when we left.) And my heart ached a bit because it was confirmed that he is struggling in a certain respect, and no one wants to see their kid struggle. And my heart also ached because the genuine care that Dorothy, Asha, and Beth have for Theo means so much to us…and we’ve now left that wonderful environment. I can only hope that his new teachers and preschool are every bit as welcoming as Rocklin Montessori has been.

Let me just start at the very beginning--“a very good place to start,” as Julie Andrews sings in one of my favorite songs from The Sound of Music. The very first thing Dorothy said to me was, “Does he play an instrument at home? If he doesn’t, he should. He appears to be very musically inclined.” Yup, I’ve noticed that! I’ve been trying to find someone who will teach a young child, but haven’t had luck yet. Perhaps in our new city I can find someone….

The second thing she mentioned was that intellect would never be a problem for him--“he knows everything,” she said. Well, we all know that’s far from true--of course he has a lot to learn! But I get her point--lucky for Theo, he will likely never struggle academically. He apparently does jobs at preschool that are way beyond the normal capacity for his age.

The third thing she said (and that made my heart simultaneously soar and ache) was how disappointed she was that they wouldn’t get to see him progress through preschool, because he’s been fascinating to have in school. As she said, “He’s adapted to the classroom culture somewhat--but perhaps even more so, we’ve adapted to him. It’s been very interesting having him in our class.” She said this in a positive way--“interesting” didn’t seem to be used in an “annoying--but I’ll say ‘interesting’ to be polite” sort of context. She genuinely seemed to find his mind fascinating.

And here’s where I had to fight back some tears. Where Theo is struggling is with social cues and interacting within the class structure. He’s not shy in the least, nor is he anti-social. In fact, he got an “always” score on the self-confidence section of the evaluation. And this makes me very happy, as self-confidence is certainly something Chris and I have both struggled with our whole lives! Evidently, Theo shows awareness of the other people in the class (children and teachers) and even shows concern when someone is missing from class for the day, but he doesn’t really interact. This in itself isn’t really an issue--he prefers to do things on his own. Some kids like to play in groups; others prefer to be on their own. Theo is apparently in the latter category--which Chris and I have known for years, as he was exactly the same way in Little Gym. (The funny thing is, this very “loner” attitude seems to draw other kids to him--he’s got a lot of little buddies who will say, “Theo’s here!” when he arrives at preschool, and the same was true at Little Gym. We sort of joked that he’s like a little mysterious James Dean type--kids are drawn to him for the mystery.)

And, actually, he’s very friendly toward the other kids when he sees them--he’s not the type to hide behind my legs or to look down if he’s addressed. He will always say hello if prompted--and sometimes even without prompting. But it sort of ends there--he says hi very friendly, but then does his own thing. And in a play setting, this is fine--he’s just doing parallel play instead of interacting with the other kids. But it is the case in a classroom environment, too. He doesn’t want to do what the others are doing, and he apparently has a lot of difficulty with transition. He’s content and happy to work on jobs on his own, but if there’s any sort of shift to an activity that’s group-oriented or structured, he apparently gets quite upset. And similarly, he strongly resists being shown anything. He basically wants to be left alone to do everything on his own.

Dorothy also said that while he has made considerable progress on empathy, she said it wasn’t as much progress as they might have hoped. It just doesn’t seem to connect with him as much as it normally would with a child his age. He certainly is showing more of it at home, which we’ve been really happy about, but I guess it’s still something he struggles with.

I guess to sum up, the issue is that normal social and emotional cues don’t come naturally to Theo--he is learning them and is trying to put what he learns about them to use, but it’s something he struggles with. He is just so wrapped up in what’s going on in his head that the more emotional sides of things aren’t registering as much as they might. And what hurts me about this is that eventually, it may make things difficult for him. Right now it doesn’t because he’s with other kids who couldn’t care less what he’s doing--they’re wrapped up in their own selves. And he’s with a caring group of teachers who recognize that he needs a bit of coaching on these things, and they’ve been great. But as his mother, I envision the future, when kids may be cruel about the fact that he’s a bit of a loner who marches to his own beat. Or when he encounters a teacher who is determined to try to fit him in some little round hole that maybe isn’t the right fit for him. Because I’ve seen this already--most people adore Theo and can see all the wonderful qualities about him. But there are those for whom he’s a bit too intense--they can’t understand why he doesn’t act or react like many children his age. And instead of just going with the flow, it can turn into a, “Well, if I just do this with him, he’ll start acting like I think he should.” And really, that may not be possible for him at this stage--or ever, for all I know. I’m not advocating that everyone give him a pass on everything--but I just hope for a world where people look at him and think, “Wow, awesome kid!” instead of, “Hmmm, why isn’t he doing X, Y, and Z, like most kids his age?”

One of my worries about Theo has been that a typical school environment wouldn’t be a good fit for him. That’s why we so heavily researched preschool options--in my heart, I knew that in a highly structured environment, he would just end up being corrected again and again and again, and that correction would probably never really sink in and would just serve to frustrate him…and his teachers. I figured a more gentle introduction to structure would get him more accustomed to it, and hopefully by kindergarten he would be more inclined to go with the flow. I never mentioned any of this to Theo’s preschool, as I certainly didn’t want them to have any preconceived notions about him. But Dorothy did bring it to my attention, saying that she really wasn’t certain a typical school environment was going to be a good fit for Theo. I said, “Well, yes--I’ve thought about that. He is only 3 ½, though, and so I know he’ll mature quite a bit by the time he turns 5. I’m not sure whether it’ll be enough for a typical school environment to be a good fit--I guess we wait and see.” She agreed that he would certainly mature quite a bit, but added that she wasn’t certain he would ever reach the point where your typical structured classroom would be a good fit.

And here is again where my heart soared and ached…ached because I don’t want things to be hard for him, but soared because I realized that she gets Theo! She said, “It’s like putting a square peg into a round hole--but I don’t see why you’d even want to do that. Why would you want to try to make him something he’s not? What’s important here is finding the best learning environment for him. Because Theo functions very, very well in his own way--it’s just not necessarily the typical way.” Her assessment was that he has a natural curiosity, a crazy-good ability to absorb and retain information, and a real love of learning--so why would we want to put him in an environment that’s going to take those things away?

In short, what we probably need for the kiddo is a gifted classroom. (As an aside, let me define “gifted” here--many people think it means “smart,” and indeed gifted people are usually smart, but it’s actually more about people who think outside the box, differently from the norm. They approach things differently and think differently--and it’s not wrong in any way; it’s just different from the norm. Think Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg--people who were able to think outside the box but really didn't work well in a typical structured environment.) As Dorothy put it, Theo's mind is so, so busy working all the time that he’s just semi-oblivious to the social cues around him. And so what would be best for him is an environment where he can continue to use his mind productively, instead of in a really constrained environment--and a place where they’ll continue to work with him on the social side of things.

Really, none of this is a surprise to us. Chris and I were both classified as gifted, and we were both bored to tears in regular school. Chris apparently just refused to do his work one year (ha!) because he thought it was a waste of time, and I got through school by reading books instead of paying attention and by daydreaming a lot. (One of my teachers actually wrote on my progress report when I was young that I seemed to be “retarded” because I often stared off into space with my mouth open. Not so at all--I was just bored to tears. It seemed we learned the same things year after year, and having been blessed with a very good memory, I didn’t need the refresher. I see, as an adult, why they taught this way--not everyone has a memory that retains all of this stuff from year to year. But for a kid who really does remember the material from the previous year, it makes things awfully dull.)

Now, I can’t say for sure Theo is gifted--he’s far too young to tell. I do know that he has a lot of characteristics that fall into the gifted spectrum, so if someday he tests out as gifted, we won’t be surprised in the least. But as Dorothy said, “Don’t even bother trying to label him--there’s no point. The point is finding the best learning environment for him, so he can continue to succeed. Because really, in his own way, he functions very, very well. It's just not necessarily the usual way.”

And so we shall. And actually, this is where our move may come in handy. If he continues to thrive in a Montessori environment, there is a grade 1-5 Montessori charter in Walnut Creek that we can try to get him into. And if they have room for him, it’s free. (A similar program in Livermore runs more than $10,000/year!!) In theory, this could be a very good option for him, because Montessori allows students to learn in the way that works best for them. It’s not a matter of getting him into some accelerated academic program--if such a program is still a very structured environment, it won’t do him any favors at all. What he needs is an environment that embraces the differences in how people think--and then allows them to do that to their fullest extent!

And what I hope, going forward, is that when people encounter Theo and perhaps find themselves a little baffled by his intensity or the fact that he’s not responding as one might expect a child his age to, they continue to react with an open mind and heart and think, “Hey, what a neat little boy!”--not so much, “Well, that’s odd--I wonder why he doesn’t react like I’m expecting him to. Maybe something’s wrong….” Because truly, he’ll probably get there--it’ll just take some time. Right now, he’s so busy in his little brain that he’s all wrapped up in that.     

I’m going to wrap this up with an odd quote, but it’s from a song that makes me tear up every time I hear it. Oddly enough, it’s a Pink song. If you know Pink’s music, you know that it’s typically sort of “bad girl, don’t mess with me” hard rock. (Theo actually loves her….) But this particular song is just really touching to me, and it makes me think of Theo every time I hear it, because my heart hurts so much when I encounter people who just don’t really get him…and who maybe don’t even want to try, but who just want to somehow “fix” him. Anyway, the song is called “Perfect,” and here are the lines that say exactly what I feel:

Pretty, pretty please,

Don’t you ever ever feel

Like you’re less than…less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please

If you ever ever feel like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me.

That’s our boy--he is perfect to us.